


Present Tense

by romanticalgirl



Series: Lessons [2]
Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 06:54:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 6/21/00</p>
    </blockquote>





	Present Tense

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 6/21/00

Pacey stared at the plate in front of him, refusing to look up as someone slid into the booth across from him. “You call me out here and now you’re ignoring me?”

He sighed and raised his bloodshot eyes. “Hey, Jen.”

“You look like shit.”

“Thanks. I’m aware of that.” He shoved the plate towards her, unable to look at it any longer. “Want some?”

She took the fork, picking at the pancakes he’d drenched in every kind of syrup they had available. “Uh…no thanks.”

He sighed. “What the fuck am I doin’, Lindley?” He whispered the words, not sure he wanted her to hear them and actually answer him.

“Well,” she pushed the plate to the center of the table. “I think you’re back in town to lick your wounds. But, in traditional Capeside style, you have to come home to do it, which only reopens a few that never quite closed.”

“Everyone’s home for the holidays, huh?”

She nodded. “You knew that coming home, Pacey. And before you ask, no I haven’t seen her, but yes, she’s still with Dawson.”

“You didn’t have to tell me that for me to know, Jen.” Pacey shook his head. “I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go back.”

“Why don’t you want to go back? Have you seen Tamara lately?”

He shrugged. “Here and there.”

“And?” Jen reached across the table and took his hand, forcing Pacey to look at her. “And?”

“And what, Jen?” He pulled his hand away. “What do you want to hear? When I ran into her at the grocery store, I nailed her in the produce aisle?”

Her eyes widened. “Did you?”

“Jesus Christ.” Pacey got out of the booth and tossed some money down onto the table. He stalked out of the restaurant, not caring if Jen was following him or not. When he got to his truck, he turned around and waited for her to come out of the building. She wasn’t far behind him and she looked as angry as he did. “What do you think I do, Lindley? Just screw any woman that I’ve got the hots for? Do you think I care so little for everything except my dick that I’d just fuck up my life a little more?”

Jen forced herself to calm down, knowing that Pacey was hurting and it was only going to get worse. “No, Pacey. But I know you have a soft spot when it comes to women you love. You have a tendency to let them walk all over you.”

“I saw her at a few school events.” The anger drained out of him at the thought of one of the women he’d loved. “We studiously avoided each other and her husband sent a few choice glares my way. I got the hell out of Dodge as soon as I could and I quit helping out at social functions.”

“Speaking of social functions, how’s Dan?”

Pacey laughed, “Still screwing the socialite.”

“He’s as hopeless as you are, Pacey.”

“He’s worse.” A melancholy came over him again and he tried to shake it off. “But I haven’t been alone with her. And I really don’t want to talk about Tamara any more.”

“Okay.” Jen nodded once. “You started your Christmas shopping?”

“It’s Thanksgiving,” Pacey gave her an odd look.

“So?”

“I’m a guy.”

“I’ve been know to notice that from time to time. What’s your point?”

“Guys don’t shop in the month of November. They shop the day before Christmas.”

“Ah, but the day before Christmas the present I want you to get me might be gone.”

“I see.” He pushed away from his car and reached out for her hand. “Okay, Lindley. Tell Santa what you want.”

She gave him a sideways grin and started off down the street. “Do I get to sit on your lap?”

Releasing her hand, Pacey pulled her close to him and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Only if you’ve been really nice and want to be really, really naughty.”

She shoved him away, but moved right back into his arms. “You wish, Witter.”

“You know I do.”

 

~**~  
Jen handed Pacey yet another bag. “How many people are you shopping for, Jen? You’ve got what? One mother, one father, one grandmother. That’s it.”

“I’ve got five good friends, Dawson’s parents, a few friends at college, Alexander, Bessie and Bodie. Heck, maybe I’ll even get something for Doug, since you’ll probably forget him.”

“I’ve tried to forget Doug all my life and it’s never worked.”

She grinned and shoved him towards the door. “Come on. We can drop these off at my car and go for some coffee or something.”

“After lugging all this shit around town, I think the least you can do is buy me lunch.” He pushed open the door, backing through it. He turned around as soon as it was open, stopping dead when he came face to face with Joey.

Jen closed her eyes as Pacey froze, his gaze locked on Joey’s. Shit. This wasn’t how she wanted it to happen. “Hey, Jo.” She forced her eyes open and shoved Pacey out of the store, following him until they were both on the sidewalk. “When did you get in?”

“Last night,” Joey looked at Jen, unwilling to meet Pacey’s gaze. “What about you?”

“I’ve been home for a couple of days.” Jen shrugged. “Grams needed a little help getting ready for the feast. Since I’m within driving distance, I’ve been coming home every night.”

“That’s…great.” Joey felt her eyes straying toward Pacey and she closed them before forcing her gaze to stay on Jen. “Is she having the big gathering again?”

“Yep.” Jen wanted to leave. She could feel the awkwardness mounting, feel the tension radiating from Pacey’s body. “We’ll see you there?”

“We wouldn’t miss it.” Joey swallowed hard. “Well, I have some things to pick up for Bessie, so I’ll see you later?”

“Sure,” Jen nodded and smiled, hoping they were going to get out of this situation with no bloodshed.

“Hey, Jo!” Dawson jogged across the street. Jen managed to hold in her groan as he bounded up on the sidewalk and wrapped his arm around Joey. “Hey, Jen.” His gaze shifted and his eyes widened, realizing who was standing there with them. Dawson’s voice grew colder. “Pacey.”

Finally acknowledged, Pacey smirked. “Dawson.”

“What brings you back to town? I heard you’ve been living it up on campus.”

“Have you.” The words were cold.

“There’s a few nasty rumors going around about you sleeping your way through the country club set.”

He shook his head. “Don’t believe everything you hear, Dawson. Hell, if I did that, I'd believe Joey actually likes what you do to her in bed.”

“Okay,” Jen shoved Pacey out toward the street, getting him away from Dawson. “We’ve gotta run. See you guys later.” She waited until they were out of earshot, pushing Pacey all the way, before she whirled him around to face her. “What the fuck was that?”

“He pissed me off.” Pacey turned away from her and kept walking toward her car. “He’s good at that. Can’t imagine why. Probably has something to do with the fact that he screwed my girlfriend while I was covering one of his shifts, huh?”

“All you’re doing is hurting Joey.”

“Yeah, well, I’m surprisingly okay with that. And maybe that has to do with the fact that she didn’t exactly protest while he was doing it.”

They reached Jen’s car and she unlocked the back door. Taking the packages from Pacey, she loaded them inside, not wanting to speak until he’d managed to calm down a little. “Maybe we should agree not to talk about Dawson and Joey during the duration of your stay?”

“Yeah, that’d be best.” He handed her the last package and dug his keys out of his pocket, heading for his car. “I’ll see you around, okay, Lindley?”

“I thought we were going for coffee?”

He turned back to her, his eyes looking past her to where he could still see Dawson and Joey on the sidewalk. “Thanks, but I’m not feeling very sociable right now. I'd hate to subject anyone to my not-so-pleasant company.”

“Pacey, I…”

“I’ll call you later.” He finally met her eyes. “I promise. We’ll hang out tonight. Do something. Maybe watch a movie or two.”

“Grams isn’t going to let you just sit in my bedroom on my bed and watch movies. She’s a lot more lenient now, but she knows your reputation.”

He gave her a small grin. “Yeah. It seems everyone does.”

She could tell that the look on Joey’s face when Dawson had mentioned Pacey sleeping around hadn’t gone unnoticed. “Doug’s?”

“Nah. I’m staying at the old homestead. Mom and Dad are out of town, so I’ve got the place to myself. Doug and I are doing Thanksgiving at your grandmother’s, so they didn’t feel bad about deserting us. Not that they would have otherwise, but still…” Pacey shrugged. “You wanna come over later?”

“What time?”

He looked at his watch. “I’ll be drunk enough to be pleasant in about three hours. Before then I’m liable to throw things. Say…Five?”

“I’ll see you then.” She kept looking at him for a long moment. “Pacey?”

He looked over at her from his seat behind the wheel. “Yeah?”

“Don’t inhale too much. I don’t feel like fighting off your drunken fumblings.”

He gave her an honest smile. “Hell Jen, you don’t have to fight ‘em off, you know.”

 

~**~  
Pacey sat at the bar and stared at the bottle of Jack Daniel’s in front of him. He’d put half of it away already, but it had barely dulled the edge of pain. He poured another shot and slid off the stool, walking around his parents’ living room.

Nothing in this house worked for alleviating pain. He had too many bad memories within these walls, and far too few good ones. Maybe he should have taken Doug up on his offer to stay with him, but he couldn’t quite stomach another night on his brother’s couch. He tossed back the drink and sank down into his father’s chair, closing his eyes.

Why the hell had he come home? He’d known this would happen. But he also knew that if he’d stayed at school, he’d have woken up one morning being dragged out of bed and down to Capeside by a very worried and pissed off Jen Lindley. At least this way, he’d make it to Grams Ryan’s table in something other than a pair of rumpled boxers.

Sighing, Pacey closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. Seeing Joey had been like a knife in the gut. She looked the same, so beautiful and wounded all at once. She had this quality about her that made him and pretty much every other guy on the greater eastern seaboard want to take care of her, even though she hated the thought of being taken care of.

He still loved her. Jen had been right that day at his apartment when she’d asked him if he was still interested in Tamara because he was trying to get over Joey. Not that he hadn’t loved Tamara, but the chapter of their lives that involved one another had been over since high school. But Joey…Joey was a chapter of his life that he wasn’t sure he’d ever close.

He shook his head and stood up, walking over to the window only to stare out at nothing. He knew it was stupid to keep harboring these feelings. He needed to just get Joey Potter the hell out of his system; she was back with Dawson where the fates had long ago deemed she belonged. And he had no place in her life anymore.

Never mind that he’d sacrificed everything for their relationship.

“Fuck this.” He headed back to the bar and grabbed the bottle. He needed to be a happy drunk. Jen was coming over and he’d promised her he’d be over Joey by that time. Which meant either a hell of a lot more alcohol or less thinking about Joey. Or, better yet, both.

“Pacey?”

He walked out of the living room into the foyer. Jen was standing in the doorway, her head poking around the open door. “Hey, Lindley. You know, breaking and entering at a police chief’s house probably isn’t the wisest move.”

“The door was unlocked. I’m only entering. And if you tell me it’s okay, I’m not actually doing anything illegal.”

He lifted the bottle in salute and greeting. “Come on in. The water’s fine.”

She walked into the house and shut the door behind her. The room was murky as the sun was setting, and Pacey had obviously not turned on any lights. She flipped the switch as she walked into the living room, discarding her coat along the way. “You know, if you put on some Sarah McLachlan, you could probably depress yourself even more.”

“I’m not depressed.”

“Right,” Jen nodded and flipped on another light. “You’re despondent, jealous and stupidly drinking a substance with a depressive effect.”

“But I’m not depressed.” He pointed out, using the bottle as emphasis. Jen just shook her head and took it from his hands, slugging down a healthy amount herself.

“Right,” she agreed with thick sarcasm. “You’re not depressed.”

“Besides,” Pacey walked up to her and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close. His breath was warm against her ear as it ruffled her hair. “Why would I be anything other than joyous when I have such a gorgeous specimen of womanhood right here in my hot little hands?”

The hand that held her slipped up a bit, resting just underneath her breast. Jen looked pointedly at it and then up into his sad, blue eyes. “You’re about to lose one of those hot little hands if you don’t get it the hell away from my breast.”

“Sorry.” He moved away, his grin indicating that he wasn’t sorry in the slightest. “So, what horribly outdated video fodder do you want to raid from the family room and take upstairs to my den of iniquity?”

“Nothing.”

Pacey cocked and eyebrow. “Nothing? You just want to go upstairs and stare at my four walls? Or better yet, my ceiling?”

Jen rolled her eyes. “Your bed can barely fit you, much less the two of us comfortably. We can stay down here.”

“Don’t trust yourself with me,” Pacey nodded knowingly. “I understand. Okay, Lindley. Down here it is.” He squatted down in front of the video cabinet, thumbing through the movies. “We’ve got…hmm. A lot of crap. You can tell I have three sisters with emotional problems. Fried Green Tomatoes, Steel Magnolias, Mystic Pizza…”

“Pacey?”

He turned his head to look back at Jen. “Hmmm?”

“I’ve got the entertainment covered.”

He stood up and walked over to take the video boxes from her. His eyes widened as he read the titles. “You realize what this is, right? You didn’t just misread the title and think you were getting some actual film, did you?”

“I know it’s porn, Pacey.” She smiled at him and moved over to flop down in front of the couch. “I thought it might cheer you up.”

“No, what it’s gonna do is give me a raging hard-on that I’m gonna have to excuse myself to take care of.” He paused. “And you’re okay with that?”

“Sure.” She nodded, grinning up at him. “In fact, after our distinct lack of chemistry in high school, it might be interesting to see what it is that does turn you on.”

“Joey talked about me, didn’t she?” He said the words without thinking, wishing it weren’t all so painful. Seeing Jen’s pointed look, he kept on. “Probably told you I was hung like a horse, had the stamina of a long distance runner and made her feel like she was gonna explode with pleasure, huh? It’s okay.” He held up a hand as if to silence her comments. “I’m used to the compliments. No need to blush.”

Jen grinned at him. At least he was trying. “Oh yeah, she’d regale me with tales of your sexual expertise, dishing the truth about Pacey Witter, sex machine.”

“Pacey Witter, sex machine. I can dig that,” Pacey nodded. “It could be a series of books, all about my exploits. I could be the next James Bond.”

“I’m afraid to know what kind of gadgets Pacey Witter, Sex Machine would get from Q.”

“You wanna be my Q? You could supply me with all the latest…toys and equipment. Not that I’d need it, since my own equipment,” he cupped his groin, hefting it in a typical macho display, “Is pretty spectacular.”

“I’ll supply your porn, Pacey.” Jen grabbed one of the videos and moved to the VCR, happy to hide her blush. Joey had mentioned Pacey’s…abilities in bed and it had made Jen wish, more than once, that she’d put a little more effort into their attempts in high school. Apparently, as Joey put it, Tamara had shown him exactly what to do and exactly the right way to do it.

Jen had reminded Joey that Tamara had been a teacher. After that, they really hadn’t talked about Pacey anymore.

Settling herself against the couch, Jen waited until Pacey sank down next to her then leaned against his shoulder. She reached for the bottle of whiskey and took another hit. “So, what exactly is porn protocol? Should there be popcorn? Milk Duds?”

“Don’t ask me. Usually when I’m watching porn, I’m naked, alone in my room with the lights off and the sound low. I’ve never exactly watched one with an audience.”

“They really turn you on?” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye as the movie started, cheesy music filling the room.

“Parts of ‘em.” Pacey shrugged. “You’ve never seen one?”

“I saw part of one at Dawson’s house once with Joey, Andie and Abby.”

“Wow. My three favorite women.”

“But Gale interrupted us, so we didn’t get the big pay-off.”

“Ah. The money shot.” Pacey nodded and swiped the bottle from her.

“Money shot?”

“When,” Pacey blushed slightly. “That’s when…aw shit.” He noticed Jen's smile and shook his head. “It’s the cum shot.”

“Ah.” She blushed as well, ducking her head.

Pacey laughed and put his arm around her shoulders, holding her close to him. “I can’t believe you’ve never seen one of these. I thought you were such a bad girl.”

“I did it, Pacey. I didn’t have to watch it.” She settled closer to him, laying her head on his chest. “You seen this one?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Pacey told her. “Plot’s not the big thing here.”

She nodded and turned her attention to the screen. They watched in comfortable silence, laughing occasionally when it got relatively outlandish. About halfway through the movie, the mood changed as the music did. The two main female stars ended up locked in some room together. Jen felt Pacey tense and she looked over at him, noticing that he’d pulled a throw pillow onto his lap.

“Would this be one of those parts?” She whispered, her breath caressing his neck. When he didn’t answer, Jen turned slightly to face him. “Does the sight of two women turn you on, Pacey?”

He closed his eyes, inhaling sharply. One hand held the pillow tightly in his lap, his fingers curled into fists in the fabric. He could feel his heart pounding and he used his free hand to fumble for the remote. He snapped the VCR off. “You know, I’m all cheered up. Thanks, Jen.”

“Because it turns me on.”

Pacey’s head whipped around to face her and his eyes opened wide. “What?”

Her hand settled on his thigh about halfway up, just under the edge of the pillow. “Two women,” Jen shrugged. “Turns me on.”

His thigh muscles clenched even tighter and he struggled for air. “Jen…” he managed.

“I’ve done it, you know.”

Pacey shoved the pillow off his lap and stood up, his arousal more than obvious. “What are you trying to do, Lindley?”

She stood up as well and shrugged. “Just talking.”

“No.” Pacey stalked toward her, his blue eyes flashing. “You’re…” He stopped and swallowed hard. “You’re…”

Jen smiled. “I’m what?”

He stared at her for a long moment. They were both breathing hard, despite their stillness, their chests heaving with innuendo. Finally, as one it seemed, they moved, crushed together in an embrace. His hands were in her hair, holding her captive in his kiss as his tongue plundered her mouth.

Jen’s hands roamed over his strong back, his skin pressed hotly to his thin shirt as she explored him.

Letting one hand trace her spine down to the curve of her ass, Pacey pulled Jen closer. One of his legs slid between hers and the hardness of his erection was pressed firmly to her upper thigh.

Jen fought Pacey for dominance as he deepened the kiss, sucking at her tongue. She pulled away from him then dove in again, this time exploring him blatantly.

Breathless, they eventually pulled apart, both their lips swollen from their frantic kisses. Jen held Pacey’s gaze she took advantage of their distance, making short work of his belt buckle.

Pacey fought the urge to thrust into her hands as she unfastened then shoved his jeans down. Her nimble fingers eased his cock free of his boxers as she sank down to her knees.

Pacey groaned as her hot mouth engulfed him. Jen’s hands moved up his thighs to cup his ass, caressing the tight flesh as she sucked eagerly at his cock. Her mouth was skilled, applying just enough suction to make him want more as her tongue bathed the length of him.

The soft rustle of a zipper caught his attention and he watched in rapt fascination as one of Jen’s hands disappeared inside her pants. With a harsh groan, Pacey forced her away from him. Jen glared up at him, her hand still busy. The passion of wanting him was clear in her eyes, overriding everything else. Her free hand reached out to grab him and guide him back to her mouth, but Pacey refused.

“Get up.”

She grabbed the hand he offered, keeping her gaze on the swollen, blood-flushed skin of his shaft, standing at full attention so close to her.

“You have anything?”

The words were familiar, but they seemed foreign. She grabbed the bag she’d discarded with her coat, rooting inside it until she found a condom. Pacey caught the hand that held it, pulling her in front of him.

Jen opened the packet and used her hand to guide it on him, smoothing the sheath along his impressive length. When she was finished, he took hold of her upper arms and turned her around so that she was facing away from him.

She waited as his hands moved to her hips so that he could push her jeans and panties down. Waves of heat and chills coursed through her as she felt the tip of his erection press against her ass.

“Bend over.”

It was her turn to groan as she did as he said. Settling over the arm of the couch, she spread her legs, opening her body up to him.

Pacey rubbed the tip of his shaft along the length of her several times, the heady rush caused by her gasps of pleasure almost as intoxicating as the feel and smell of her.

Jen thrust back, raising herself onto her tiptoes to offer herself to him, to urge him inside her. Pacey finally relented and grabbed her hips, sliding inside in one smooth, long stroke. She whimpered as Pacey filled her, his hard, throbbing cock stretching her. She gripped the couch cushions and rocked back toward him, gasping as he started moving, thrusting hard and fast.

“Oh God…” she breathed, the muscles of her channel struggling to hold him captive, the rapid pace of his movements driving her need to greater heights as he drove her against the couch. Looking back over her shoulder at him, Jen was struck by the contradiction of expressions on his face; desire and pain all combined as his breathing shortened and his thrusts grew jerkier.

“C’mon, Lindley,” Pacey breathed roughly, his fingers slipping around to tease her clit as he continued to pump his hips. His voice took on the soft lilt of a laugh. “Gimme the money shot.”

His thumbnail scraped across the swollen nub he was teasing, turning her giggle into a shiver of ecstasy as she came, her orgasm flooding around him.

Pacey sighed with satisfaction, impaling her a few more times before he thrust tight against her body and stilled, spilling himself into her heat.

They both stayed there, sweaty, half-dressed bodies cooling in the silence. Finally, Pacey carefully removed himself and, tugging his jeans up, went into the bathroom.

He disposed of the condom then poked his head back out into the hallway. “Come and clean up, Jen.”

She appeared at the end of the hall, her nervousness playing across her eyes, no doubt a reflection of his own. “You’re not gonna lick me clean?”

He leered. “I could.”

She shook her head and joined him in the bathroom. They stared each other’s reflections for a long time. “Are we okay, Pacey?”

“Yeah.” He stroked her hair with gentle fingers. “We are. We made a pact, remember?”

“Casual sex?”

“No strings. No emotions.”

She nodded. “No bad mix tapes. I remember.” She smiled, turning to actually face him. “So, now, are you cheered up, Witter? Or are you still depressed?”

“Definitely cheered up.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek, knowing instinctively that anything else would be strangely too intimate.

“Good.” There was a slight pause as she took a deep breath. “Tomorrow…dinner’s at two. You’ll be there, right?’

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“I should go. Grams probably needs some of that last minute help.”

Pacey kissed her forehead. “Thanks for coming by tonight, Jen. Thanks for everything.”

She turned her attention back to the mirror, giving him a smile before he walked out the door to give her some privacy. She moved to watch him move back down the hall. “Sure Pacey,” she whispered. “Thanks for nothing.”

 

~**~  
Pacey stared up at his ceiling, his mind racing. After Jen had left, he’d finished the bottle of whiskey and collapsed in his bed. He’d refused to think.

But as soon as he’d opened his eyes this morning, he’d been unable to do anything else.

The knock on his door surprised him, but he welcomed the distraction. Pulling on a T-shirt, he hurried down the hall. He ran a hand through his hair and adjusted his boxers before swinging the door open.

“Hi.”

He smiled at Jen. “Hey, Lindley. Don’t tell me your presence here is short notice that Grams has forsaken the holiday and all of our Capeside friends are descending on my house.”

“Nope.” She leaned against the screen door and shook her head. “My presence here is solely for our mutual benefit.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Is that a proposition?”

“That, Mr. Witter, is just a fancy way of saying we need to talk.”

“Ah. No sex then.” He sighed woefully, giving her a wink at the same time.

“Not right now.”

Pacey stepped back, bowing as she walked past. “I’m already liking the sound of this.”

She walked past him, much as she’d done the night before, her hips swaying slightly. He smiled and shut the door, following her into the living room. Jen stopped and eyed the couch for a second before sitting on the chair opposite it. Pacey leaned against the fireplace and looked at her.

“So…we need to talk?”

“Yeah.” She sighed and looked down at her hands. “About yesterday.”

“Ah.” He moved over to the couch and sank down onto it, deliberately not looking to his right where he’d taken her so passionately the night before. “Should I just cut to the chase and apologize for whatever it was that I did wrong?”

“Do you think you did something wrong?” She raised her eyes to his, surprised to see pain there. “Do you?”

“I would guess I did, since you’re here looking so very serious.” He shrugged. “And I’m so very good at fucking things up.”

“Pacey,” Jen got off her chair and moved over to him, kneeling between his legs. She looked up at him, shaking her head all the while. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just…I don’t want either of us to get hurt by this. I mean, I know we made a pact in high school, but that was a few years ago. And a lot has happened since then.”

“Right. We’ve both proven very effectively how much love screws everything up. I would think that would simply substantiate our stance on the sex without emotion proposition.”

“It would, Pacey. Except for one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“There is emotion between us. We’re friends. And that kind of indicates emotion.” She reached up and touched his cheek, smiling as he closed his eyes and leaned into her hand. “And I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you’ve already been hurt.”

“And you don’t want to get hurt,” he answered softly.

“Something like that.”

Opening his eyes, he met her guilelessly. “So what do we do, Jennifer Lindley?”

“We make a new pact.”

“What’s that?”

She took her free hand and ran it up his thigh, under the thin material of his boxers until she found his erection, stirring from her touch. “We promise that we’ll have complication-free sex whenever we need or want it. But never if we’re doing it for the wrong reasons.”

“Such as?”

“Such as you’re angry with Joey.”

He pulled away from the hand at his face, flinching at her words. “Last night had nothing to do with Joey.”

“Pacey, if you hadn’t seen Joey yesterday, you wouldn’t have been drinking. And if you hadn’t have been drinking what happened wouldn’t have. We’ve been friends for a long time and never even come close to what happened last night.”

“You were the only woman on my mind.”

“Maybe on your mind, Pacey. But not in your heart.” She ran her hand lightly over his cock, stroking him with the gentlest of touches. “I don’t mind not being the woman you love, Pacey. I prefer being your friend. But I sure as hell won’t be the woman you’re with because you can’t have the woman you want.”

He closed his eyes, reveling in the feel of her hand, wondering why she continued touching him while she told him she didn’t know that she wanted to do that anymore. “My feelings for Joey are moot at this point. She’s in love with Dawson. Nothing I say or do is going to change that.”

“But you’re still in love with her. And I don’t mind that.” She finally released him and pulled away, getting back to her feet. He looked up at her and she shrugged. "But I have no desire to be your second choice. If you like me and we want to have sex, we can.” She caught his eyes, holding his gaze as she repeated herself, making sure he understood. “I won’t be there just because you want Joey and can’t have her.”

Pacey nodded slowly and stood up as well, not caring that she saw how aroused her light touch had made him. “I can’t promise you that right now, Jen.”

“That’s okay, Pacey. I’ll be around. Maybe you’ll get lucky and I’ll still be interested when you can.” She leaned forward, resting her hands on his chest as she raised herself on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “Because all those things you said Joey said about your sexual prowess?”

He nodded, grinning at her now. “Yeah?”

“Well, they’re pretty close to true.”

 

~**~  
He sat in his car in front of the Ryan’s, just staring at the house. Everyone he knew and had cared about at some point in his life was going to be around the table today, and he wasn’t sure he was up to the task of facing them all. And he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand up and say what he was thankful for without losing control.

“Are you going to stay out here all afternoon, Pacey, or are you going to join everyone in the back?”

He looked out his window, surprised to see Jen’s grandmother. “Hey Grams.” He opened his door and climbed out. “I brought cranberry sauce and rolls.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know. But it’s a Witter tradition to not know how to cook, and I’d feel bad if I was just living off your generosity.”

“You’ve done it before.”

He ducked his head, annoyed with the warm blush that flushed his cheeks. After Joey had cheated on him, he’d taken refuge in the Ryan household, unwilling to live with his brother’s pity or his parents’ disdain. Grams had given him a home for as long as he needed, not to mention a cheering section that he’d never experienced before.

It was nice to have someone on your side.

“Well, you’re too nice for your own good. Someone’s going to take advantage of you someday.”

“I live for it.” She put her arm around him and walked with him to the house. “How is school? You’re doing well, I assume?”

“Yeah. B average.” He admitted it with a grin. “See what all those late nights of forcing me to study did to me? I actually learn stuff now.”

“Miracles happen everyday.” She took the bag from his hands and headed for the kitchen. “Why don’t you help Jack set the table?”

“Sure.” He walked through the kitchen to the back yard, stopping at the edge of the porch. Jack was uncovering the dishes, getting ready to set them on the table that Andie was covering with a tablecloth. Taking a deep breath, he jogged down the stairs over to them. “Well, if it isn’t the McPhees.”

“Hey Pacey.” Jack held out his hand and shook Pacey’s. “It’s about time you showed up. I figured you’d wait until the last minute so you didn’t have to actually do any work.”

“Hell no.” Pacey grabbed a handful of plates and started laying them out. “If you don’t help before hand, you have to do the dishes.” He stopped when he got to the end of the table where Andie was standing. “Hey, Andie.”

“Pacey.” Her voice was flat and cold, although it had lost the bitter edge he’d gotten used to hearing. “I heard you’d come back to town.”

“How’s school?”

“Just fine.” She turned away and started for the house and he sighed. Jack came up behind him and placed his hand on Pacey’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it, Pacey. She’s dealing with it. She’s actually seeing someone now, so I think she’s finally getting over it all.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“I know. That’s why I haven’t kicked your ass.”

“As I recall,” Pacey turned away from Andie’s departing figure and went back for more plates. “You did kick my ass.”

“Well, you shouldn’t screw around with the sister of a football player.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Hey guys!” Jen joined them by the table, bringing a tray full of empty glasses. “Everyone’s starting to show up, so get crackin’. Grams says we should be ready to eat in about a half-hour.”

Jack nodded and started handing plates and silverware to Pacey, finishing off the table just as the rest of the guests started to arrive. Andie rejoined them, talking to Jen and studiously ignoring Pacey. He shrugged mentally, knowing that he had to expect it. He hadn’t exactly been…honest with her when they’d gotten back together.

She’d asked him if he was over Joey and he’d said yes, not telling her that he’d found out that Joey had cheated on him with Dawson. Not telling her that it was a lie, that he still loved her. Would always love her. He’d been lying to himself at that point, he figured it was only fair that he lie her as well.

“Pacey!” Bessie’s voice snapped him out of his reverie and he put on a smile. She walked up to him and enveloped him in a hug rivaled only by the one he got from Alex when the little boy wrapped himself around his legs. “How are you?”

“Good,” he said with a smile as soon as he could breathe again. Bodie joined them and shook Pacey’s hand, disentangling his son as he did so. “How are you guys?” He took a glance at Bessie’s protruding stomach. “Good, I see.”

“Pregnant and demanding.” Bodie corrected. “As opposed to just demanding.”

Bessie slapped his arm and hugged Pacey again before moving to the table. He turned to join them when he heard Doug’s voice. He felt a little guilty that he hadn’t seen his brother at all since he’d been home, but they hadn’t exactly parted on the best of terms. Doug had been furious with him for the way he’d treated Andie, knowing that both she and Pacey were bound to get hurt. He’d been right and had been saying ‘I told you so’ ever since.

“So, little brother, you decided to grace us with your presence after all.” Doug shook his head. “College looks like it’s been treating you well.”

“Better than you ever did.”

“Although I see your fashion sense hasn’t improved.”

“Well, I don’t have the inherent talent of your people, Dougie.”

Jen walked over to them as another crowd of people came around the house. She slipped her hand into Pacey’s and gave it a squeeze before letting it go. Doug noticed the interaction and turned to face the new guests, even though he knew without looking who they were.

“Pacey?” Gale laughed delightedly as she saw him and rushed forward to hug him. “It’s been years! Where have you been?”

“I’ve been around, Mrs. Leery. Just nowhere you’d find me.” He gave her a hug, refusing to look over her shoulder at the rest of her family. It was only fitting that she and Mitch had found their way back to each other, since that particular blessing had worked its way through their genes. Joey had always managed to find her way back to Dawson as well. “You’re looking great. Mitch must be treating you well.”

“He has his ways,” She grinned and pulled Mitch toward them.

“Pacey.”

He shook Dawson’s father’s hand and smiled. “Mr. Leery.”

“You’re welcome to call me Mitch, Pacey.”

“Nah. As long as Dawson calls you Dad, I’m afraid I’ll have to call you Mr. and Mrs. Leery.” He released his hand and nodded to Dawson and Joey who had just joined them. “Hey.”

Joey refused to meet his eyes, but Dawson looked at him. “Hey, Pacey.”

Grams came out on the porch then, asking for help from the men. They all got up to help her with the food, bringing it out to the table so they could all sit and enjoy the unseasonably warm weather, the good food and the relatively peaceful company.

 

~**~  
Grams clinked her empty glass with her fork to get everyone’s attention. “As you all know, it’s a Ryan tradition that after dinner we all stand and say what we’re most thankful for. All of you have been here before, and I usually have someone else start the festivities, but I thought this year, I’d go first.”

She stood up and smiled at the gathered group. “When my daughter, Jen’s mother, moved away, I thought I had lost my family, even though I still had my beloved Mr. Ryan. Then Jennifer came into our lives. And then her grandfather slipped away. I still had someone and I was thankful for that. But what I didn’t realize at the time, what I have come to realize over the course of these past several years is that God didn’t just bless me with Jennifer. He blessed me with her friends and their families, all of whom have become an extension of mine. So I say thanks to you all. For being a part of my life.”

They went around the table, through Dawson’s parents, Bodie, Bessie and Alex until it was Jen’s turn. She stood and smiled at her grandmother. “Every year, I talk about how grateful I was to get out of New York and have a chance to start over. This year, I thought I’d say something different. I’d like to say how thankful I am that my Grams had the patience to put up with me through all my growing pains. I love you, Grams.”

As Jen sat down, Andie stood up on the other side of her. “I don’t know that all of you know this, but my…” she cast a quick glance at Jack. “Our mother died this year. And I wanted to say thank you to those of you who did know and who were there for us. Even if we didn’t acknowledge you.”

Pacey felt his face flush, knowing that she was talking about him. Doug had informed him of Mrs. McPhee’s death and he’d sent flowers and a card to both Andie and Jack. Jack had called and thanked him, but Andie had remained silent. He looked up and met her eyes, giving her a small smile. She didn’t return it, but something in her expression changed and Pacey thought, for the first time in two years, that maybe he and Andie might be friends again someday.

Jack stood up and echoed Andie’s sentiment then turned to Pacey. He stood up and stared at his plate, not sure of what to say. “I was thinking about this moment this morning while I was sitting in my car. I wasn’t sure what I really had to be thankful for. I mean, there have been a lot of good things that have happened in my life, a lot of bad things too. And they haven’t been mutually exclusive. Some of the best things turned out to be the worst thing for me.” He didn’t look around; purposely keeping his eyes fixed on his plate. “But I realized that, through all of it, whatever it was, one of you has been there for me. Whether it was just to listen or to talk or to yell or to lock me in jail for the night. So I guess, what I’m most thankful for is that you guys have been there for me, all at once or one at a time, whenever I needed you most.”

He sank down; not looking at anyone as the silence reigned for a moment. Doug quickly stood and made a toast, turning everyone’s attention from Pacey. He’d known what that speech had cost his brother, especially with Dawson and Joey just a seat away. He finished quickly and sank down, turning his attention to Dawson.

Dawson stood up, a smile on his face. “I’ve thought about this moment for a long time. I’ve planned it a hundred different ways. I’ve storyboarded it, I’ve blocked it, I’ve even written the script. But today, when I woke up this morning, I knew no tried and true movie method would work. So I’d like to talk about what I’m most thankful for.” He took Joey’s hand and pulled her up onto her feet. “I’ve been very lucky to have you in my life, Joey. You’ve been my best friend and my worst enemy at one time or another, but through it all, I’ve never stopped loving you.”

Pacey felt his heart stop beating. His throat tightened and he could feel the sob catching in his chest. He knew what was coming. Hell, everyone at the fucking table knew what was coming and he was powerless to stop it, powerless to get away from it.

“And so I was wondering if you’d make me the most thankful guy alive, Josephine Potter, and do me the honor of becoming my wife.”

 

~**~  
In the resulting rush of good wishes, hugs and screams of delight, all echoing off the creek after Joey’s very enthusiastic yes, Pacey made his way back toward his car, unable and unwilling to share in the joy. He didn’t look back over his shoulder as he rounded the house, blocking out some of the noise. He slumped against the wall, his legs no longer strong enough to support him.

He struggled for air, his breathing labored. Tears stung his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He would not cry over Joey Potter. Not now, not again, not ever.

“Pacey?”

He looked up quickly, not surprised to see Jen standing there, leaning against the corner of the house. “Hey, Lindley.”

“You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” His voice was harsh, even to his own ears. “I mean, I’m overjoyed at the pure happiness my two very best friends are sharing with their friends and family.”

“Come inside.”

He shook his head. “No. Because if I go in there with you, you’re going to comfort me and I’m going to take advantage of that. And I promised myself and you this morning that I wouldn’t do that.”

She crossed her arms over her chest and nodded reluctantly. “You shouldn’t drive home like this.”

“Like what? Devastated?” He grinned bitterly. “Don’t worry. I drove myself home the day I found out she slept with him, and I managed to make it home alive and in one piece. Well, most of me was in one piece.”

“Pacey…”

“I’ve had a couple of years to get used to the fact that Joey’s in love with Dawson, Jen. She got what she wanted from me and then went back to him.” He pushed off the wall and dug his keys out of his pocket, heading toward his car. “We all knew it was going to happen eventually. I was just stupid enough to believe I could change the great predestined plan of Dawson Leery and Joey Potter.”

“Let me drive you home.”

He looked her straight in the eye. “No. Your friendship means too much to me to lose it because of them,” he jerked his head back toward the gathering. “And I’m not in control enough to be a gentleman much longer.”

She nodded, watching him walk away. As soon as he gunned the engine, she turned back toward the table. She wanted to kill Dawson. She’d known he was going to propose to Joey, but she’d had no idea that he planned to do it in the most painful way possible. She’d never thought of Dawson as purposely hurtful, but she was beginning to doubt her assessment of his character.

“Is he okay?”

Jen started, surprised to see Andie at her side. “No.”

“It pisses me off that she still has that much power over him.” She sighed heavily. “I never had that much power over him. He walked away from me and fell head over heels for Joey.”

“It wasn’t like that, Andie. You know it as well as I do. Besides, there’s a lot between the three of them that the rest of us know nothing about. From what I heard, Pacey had a thing for Joey back around the middle of our sophomore year. He knew she was head over heels in love with Dawson, so he didn’t pursue it…”

“No, he waited until a year later.” Andie shrugged. “And I guess he got what he deserved.”

“You think he deserves this?” Jen asked, incredulous. “No one deserves this, Andie.”

“You don’t think so?” Andie turned to her, her face void of emotion. “You don’t think someone should be subjected to the person they love being in love with someone else? You don’t think Pacey deserves to watch Joey be with Dawson? You don’t think he deserves to suffer seeing her be happy?”

“I’m sorry, Andie.”

“Right. Because your sympathy means a lot now that Pacey’s in the same position he put me and Dawson in.”

“I had sympathy for you then, Andie.” Jen’s voice was placating, not wanting to get into an argument with her. “And I was there for you when things fell apart with you and Pacey.”

“That’s a nice way of putting it.” Andie smirked. “You mean when Pacey basically told me he was with me because he needed someone to try and make Joey jealous.”

Jen took a deep breath, “Okay, Andie. I don’t know what good this is going to do now, but why don’t you just tell me what you want to say? What did he do? You knew he was still in love with Joey. You had to have known.”

“I did. But he didn’t tell me that she’d cheated on him. He let me believe they’d just decided to part ways amicably.”

“But the eerie silence between the three of them and Joey’s immediate immersion in Dawson didn’t clue you in?”

“No.” Andie shook her head, her carefully schooled features turning sad. “Because I wanted so badly for him to love me. And I could pretend…at least until the first time we had sex together again and he said her name.”

“Oh, Andie. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She shook her head. “If I hadn’t been so blind, I would have realized it. It’s just easier to be mad at Pacey than it is to be mad at myself.” They were silent for a long time, listening to the boisterous celebrating coming from closer to the creek. “Will you do me a favor, Jen?”

“What’s that, Andie?”

“Will you go after him? Don’t let this break him.”

“I don’t have the capability to save Pacey.”

“You have the ability to comfort him.”

“Comforting him costs more than I’m willing to pay.”

Andie nodded. “I know. But you’ll go.”

“I will?”

“Yeah. Because he inspires that kind of devotion in women. That’s why they fall in love with him. That’s why they befriend him. That’s why, if I thought he’d let me in, I'd go to him right now, no matter what’s happened between us.”

“Would you?”

Andie closed her eyes against the tears that threatened, turning back toward the rest of the group. “Jen, if I thought he’d invite me in? I’d be there already.”

 

~**~  
He didn’t go home. He couldn’t face that bleak house all by himself, knowing that his brother would show up with words of wisdom that he wasn’t quite willing to face or accept. He knew he couldn’t face their sympathy, couldn’t face the understanding looks.

He drove randomly for a while, considering heading back to school. But he knew he couldn’t. If he did that, he’d find himself subjected to a visit from his brother, most likely offering him a session with the station psychiatrist. Not to mention a couple of flyers on alcoholism. He’d been down that road before after his break up with Andie, and it was a path he had no desire to travel again.

He parked near the ruins, climbing out of his car and sneaking onto the property. The owner had died, leaving it to his children. They didn’t live in town except during the summer, but old habits died hard.

He’d made love to Tamara for the first time here. He’d brought Joey here for a picnic one night and made love to her under the stars. He’d never brought Andie here. They’d had their first time together and then they’d been together a few times after, but her illness and subsequent betrayal had put a quick death to their sex life. And when they’d finally gotten back together and attempted to resurrect their sexual relationship, he’d ruined it.

He’d called her Joey.

Andie had frozen and shoved him away from her, kicking him out of her bed, her room, her life. Not that he blamed her at all. He’d locked himself in his room and attempted to drink Joey out of his memory.

“I wondered if you’d come here.”

Pacey didn’t look up. “I thought I told you to stay the hell away from me.”

“You did.” Jen sat down on the bench next to him. “I just never listen to you.”

“Apparently.”

Her hand covered his on the stone bench and she squeezed it lightly. “You okay?”

“I thought we covered that.”

“Pacey?”

He sighed and shook his head. Why was it that people never did what he wanted when he was trying to save them from him? “What, Jen?”

“Look at me.”

“No. Go home, Lindley.”

She released his hand and stood up as if to leave. Instead she walked a few feet away, leaning on a tree. “You know I had my first kiss with Dawson here. Thanks to you.”

“Great. I drive everyone into Dawson’s arms.”

“Pacey.”

He raised his head, glaring at her. “What?”

Jen shrugged the shirt she’d unbuttoned off her shoulders and smiled at him. “Come here.”

He shook his head vehemently. “No. Stop it.” He stood up and grabbed her shirt from the ground, forcing it against her chest. “Damn it, I’m not going to let this ruin one of the few friendships I have left.”

“It won’t.”

“Jennifer, do you realize what you’re doing?” Pacey practically growled the words. “Do you need to hear the words? I’m in love with Joey. Totally, completely, irrevocably. If I have sex with you right now, I’d be using you. I’d be taking advantage of our friendship and quite possibly destroying it. I’m going to be thinking about her every time I thrust inside of you. I’m going to be whispering her name under my breath. Do you get that?”

Jen unhooked her bra and let it fall to the ground, joining the shirt she’d refused to take. Her eyes were locked on his, wondering how she’d managed to keep from seeing all the hurt he’d been hiding. “Pacey,” she whispered the words, afraid to upset him further. “I’m your friend. And you’re in pain.”

“And that means you think you have to fuck me?”

She shook her head and stepped closer, relieved when he didn’t back away. “No. I don’t have to. But I want to comfort you. And I know that this is maybe something I could do for you. Take your mind off of her for a while.”

“Nothing takes my mind off of her.”

“Let me try?”

“No.” He closed his eyes, turning his gaze up toward the sky. “God, Jen. This is hard enough without having to worry about losing you in the process.”

“I can honestly say that this isn’t going to affect our friendship in the slightest, Pacey. I swear it.”

He was shaking, his whole body wracked with tremors as she moved closer, unbuttoning her jeans. She stopped just in front of him and slid them down her legs, stepping out of them and her panties. She’d kicked her sandals off earlier and the cloth was discarded easily.

“Pacey?”

He made a small sound deep in his throat, still refusing to look at her. Jen moved closer to him, pressing her naked body against his. His breath came in soft, short pants and his hands were clenched into fists at his sides. “God, can’t you just let me be noble?”

In response, she rested her hands on the waistband of his jeans, letting her hands play over the metal of his belt buckle. She undid the leather quickly then unfastened his jeans, spreading the denim to reveal his dark green boxers. “You’re not the type to suffer in silence.”

She tugged his shirt from his pants and ran her hands under it. His stomach was warm, the muscles trembling as he struggled to hold himself in check. She could see the protrusion of his erection, could feel it occasionally brushing against her bare skin as she moved closer to him. Her hands pushed the shirt up his body, forcing Pacey to lift his arms and let her tug it from him.

Pacey shivered but still refused to touch her. Jen shook her head and moved her hands back to his jeans, pushing them over his hips. They pooled at his ankles and she licked her lips as she eased the elastic waistband of his boxers over his arousal then guided them down his legs as well.

It was almost as if he were crying, his body was shaking with restraint, his breathing harsh and ragged. Jen knelt at his feet, lifting one leg and removing his shoe before guiding the mass of material away from his body. She repeated the process with his other leg then got to her feet. As her touch left him, Pacey took a deep breath and opened his eyes, watching her walk to the tree she’d been standing by. She pulled out a blanket and spread it out on the ground, completely comfortable with her nudity.

“Jen, I…” He bent to pick up his clothes, a last ditch effort to save something of his dignity, something of hers.

“Pacey.” Jen walked back to him and batted the clothes out of his hands. She wrapped one hand around his cock, running it down the length of it before squeezing it with just a hint of pressure. Her thumb swiped over the tip of it, covering the silky flesh with moisture.

With her other hand, she took his and led him over to the blanket.

“Down.”

He lay down obediently, the strength to fight gone from his body. He closed his eyes, feeling the bitter sting of tears once again. Apparently, it was his destiny to fuck up every relationship he touched, every woman he cared out.

Jen straddled his thighs, letting the downy hairs that hid her wetness brush against his cock. She stared down at him, biting her lower lip as she watched the emotions play across his face. She grabbed the condom packet she’d set on the edge of the blanket and opened it, sliding it over his cock. She ran her hand up and down his shaft, pumping him until he was completely erect. Poising herself over him, she pressed him to her opening, waiting for a moment, waiting for him.

Pacey opened his eyes finally and Jen caught her breath at the tears in them. The deep blue that always seemed to be open and mischievous was dull and sad, glistening with unshed emotion. “I’m sorry, Pacey.”

A bit of life came back to him. “For forcing me to have sex with a beautiful woman?”

“Sorry that I can’t be the woman you love.”

His response was lost as she impaled herself on his cock, forcing him deep inside her. His hips arched up as her heat surrounded him; although the rest of his body remained still. Jen reached down for his hands and gripped them, using them for leverage as she began moving on top of him. Anger she hadn’t known she possessed gripped her and she thrust down wildly, taking out her aggression on him.

Furious with Joey for mistreating him, with Dawson for hurting him, with Pacey for letting them have so much control over him and with herself for not knowing any other way to help him, she ground her hips against him, growing hotter and sweatier with every stroke.

As Jen’s gyrations drove him closer to the edge, Pacey lost his inner battle with his emotions. He sat up and wrapped his arms around her, rolling Jen underneath him. He held their bodies together, thrusting without finesse into her, just seeking release. His hot tears burned her skin, stained her soul as they fell unheeded onto her shoulder.

Pacey’s body convulsed with his emotional and physical release and he pressed inside her as deeply as he could. Jen felt her own stomach twist and curl with orgasm, her own tears leaking into her hair as his whispered cries faded to sobs, and Joey’s name drifted away on the breeze.

 

~**~  
Jen held Pacey as he cried, cradling him to her. When his sobs finally subsided, she released him, letting him ease away from her. He slid out easily, taking off the condom and tying it off. He set it on the grass, just off the blanket and just lay there, staring away from her.

She moved behind him, not touching him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“For what?”

He barked a harsh laugh and rolled off the blanket, headed for his clothes. He got dressed quickly. “I’m sorry for using you, Jen. How’s that? Does that cover everything?”

“You didn’t use me, Pacey. In case it’s already slipped your mind, I instigated this.”

“Why?” He turned away as she got up to get dressed. “We had a talk just a few hours ago about how we couldn’t do this anymore if we were going to remain friends. You couldn’t be some sort of substitute for Joey in my life. And then not five hours later, you’re fucking me, listening to me wish you were her.”

“I know.”

“So tell me why, Jen.”

“I wanted to take a little of that pain that you were carrying around away from you. Pacey, we both know that you love Joey. We both know that it’s the stupidest thing you can do right now, but we also know there’s nothing you can do about it, right?”

“Right.” He swallowed hard. “That’s me. Pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic. Pacey, you’ve been doing your best to move on. You’re not still sitting in your room, waiting for Joey to come back to you. You’re not drinking yourself into a stupor every night because she broke your heart. Maybe you’re not being the smartest guy around, but you’re trying to get on with your life.”

“Is that what fucking you was, Jen? Getting on with my life?”

“The other night, Pacey. While we were having sex, did you think about Joey?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Afterwards…”

“Right. You felt guilty, right?”

“I don’t need to be psychoanalyzed. I know what’s wrong with me. I’m still in love with the fucking bitch who’s sleeping with the man who was supposed to be my best friend. The man I screwed over just because I loved her so much. The man…the man who’s gonna be her husband.”

Jen watched as he sank onto the bench again, burying his head in his hands. At least now he was showing some emotion, no longer bottling it up inside him. She knelt at his feet once more. “Hate her, Pacey. If that’s what it takes to get through this, just fucking hate her.”

“I can’t hate her.”

“You know, the Pacey Witter I used to know had balls of steel. He’d face a room full of city council men to stand up and lie for the woman he loved. He got up in front of a group of country club snobs just to prove a point. He faced down a whole shitload of opposition to be with the woman he loved.”

“The Pacey Witter you know doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Joey killed him?” He looked up sharply then shrugged. Jen shook her head. “I don’t think so. I think she buried him under a wall of pity and guilt and self-hatred. I think she made him feel unloved and unwanted and unworthy. You want to show Dawson that he didn’t get the best of you, Pace? You want to walk away from this knowing they didn’t beat you? Find that Pacey Witter. Find the man who would fuck a woman on a pool table, just a few rooms away from her husband, simply because he used to love her with everything in him.”

“I’m so sorry I mentioned that to you.”

She noticed the humor in his voice and smiled. “Find him. Because I miss him.”

He didn’t say anything as she got to her feet and walked over to the blanket, gathering it up. She picked up the condom as well and dropped it into a plain brown bag, crumpling it up and tossing it into a trashcan that the owners had finally broken down and placed out of the way. As she was about to walk away, Pacey stood up and called out to her. “Jen?”

She turned and faced him, her gaze expectant. “Yeah, Pace?”

“Are we okay?”

She smiled and nodded. “Yeah. We are.”

He grinned and, for the first time in a long time, she could see the shadow of the Pacey Witter she’d known in high school. “Good. Then I’ll walk you to your car.”

He hurried to her side and fell in step with her, taking her hand in his. “So, you gonna go back to school and tell all your friends what you did on your Thanksgiving weekend?”

“I can see it now,” she laughed. “Well, I did a little Christmas shopping, ate a lot of food, drank a lot of booze and screwed the boy from down the road.”

“Stripped naked and forced yourself on him in a semi-public place,” he offered.

“Tied him down and ravaged him for hours.”

“I don’t remember that part.”

“Hmm.” She bumped against him and giggled. “That must have been what I was thinking about doing before we decided on no more sex.”

“We decided on no more sex?”

“You decided actually.”

“Damn. I need to get my head examined.”

Jen reached over and ran a hand over the front of his pants, giving him an impish grin. “I’ve examined it pretty closely, Mr. Witter. I can safely say you’re fine.”

“Maybe. I think I might need a check-up.”

“I’ll give you the name of someone you can get a second opinion from. My office hours are over.”

They reached their cars and Pacey stopped, pulling Jen into a hug. He held her for a long moment, dropping a soft kiss on the top of her head. “Thank you.”

She looked up at him and smiled. “Well, pretty soon, maybe you’ll realize that you’re worth it.”

“Pretty soon, huh? When do you think that will be?”

“Right about the time you start getting over Joey.”

He watched her get into her car and drive away, sighing softly. Maybe the Pacey Witter Jen remembered did still exist, maybe he didn’t. But no matter which Pacey he was, there was one thing he knew for sure.

He would never get over Joey.


End file.
